I don't know much about Tara Palmer-Tomkinson except that after reading her interview in The Telegraph this morning, I think I am in love with her. I think we should be friends. I think I should ghost write a weekly column for her at The Pool, and as soon as I'm finished googling her new range of fashionable leotards, I am going to pitch this very idea to anyone who will listen.
The leotards themselves are called Kubbis, and if they weren't £200 a pop, I would buy them all. They are exactly the sort of thing you would wear if you wanted to work the oversized man's shirt look without looking like you're in a homemade hobo costume.
But honestly, the quality of the leotard is neither here nor there, because I'm not in it for the leotards. I'm in it for every single word that falls out of TPT's mouth.
On being a model:
"Nearly everyone was Russian so I couldn’t talk to them and I spent most of my time sitting on my own, eating crisps."
This is exactly how I would respond to the challenges of being a model and an It Girl. I would sit on my own and hoover Wotsits until someone asked me to do something. Let's eat crisps together Tara!
On The Mail:
"If you really want to know, I was quite pleased, in a way, to be on the MailOnline."
You know what, this makes me really happy. The Mail makes enough people totally miserable that at least one of its subjects should get a kick out of it.
On the death of Isabella Blow:
“They wouldn’t let me go to her memorial, because they said I’d deliberately stolen the limelight at her funeral. As if."
Tara, please come to my funeral. Please come to all of my significant life events. Please steal whatever paltry limelight I manage to accumulate in my measly life and use it to fuel your own dazzling, flaming sun.
On her business acumen:
"I didn’t want to use my trust fund, so it’s all money I’ve earned. I was absolutely determined to take The Tube, so to speak. I can’t remember whether or not I’ve ever actually taken the Tube”.
Tara, here's a secret about the Tube: the Tube is completely shit. It's cramped, and it smells, and it breaks down far too often between Bank and St Paul's. I have to get the Tube, but you don't. Use the Tube only to make metaphors about your success, but please do not actually get the Tube.
On her creative vision:
You know that song, “I’m every woman?” That’s what I want the Kubbi to be – something for someone doing everything, fat, thin, sober, drunk."
I will get fat with you, Tara. I will get so fat and drunk with you that we are just two little pigs wandering around in our Kubbis together. Let's make the dream happen, Tara. If you jump, I'll jump.