I really hate it when the colour of my nails means I can’t drive my car. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve reached out to open my car door and recoiled in horror, unable to force myself to go any further because the red, pink, purple or – for shame – unpainted nature of my fingernails doesn’t perfectly match my blue car’s paintwork. I am a good, law-abiding citizen and I won’t go against the Fashion Police and the Natural Laws of Womankind, goddammit! You can’t make me! My nails must match my car! My nails must match everything!
Thankfully, those clever people at Renault are here to save “lady drivers” and stop my pretty little head from worrying about this any more. They’ve released a range of four nail polishes which perfectly match their Twingo cars to allow “proud owners to coordinate their nails with the colour of their car”. The car itself is, apparently, “the ideal choice for active lady drivers who need to get about town but who are also attentive to fashion and looks”, which is ideal for me because I’ve previously only driven a man car, suitable only for driving between football matches and strip clubs while wearing a vest with a beer stain down the front.
But! This isn’t just a nail polish! No, siree, because it matches the colour of your car perfectly, you can also use Twingo Nail Polish to touch up any small scratches and scrapes you get on your car when going about your busy little lady lives – perfect for us girls who lose our minds if our cars don’t look pristine and perfect, amiright ladies? And I do mean "ladies", because the objectively great idea of a tiny pot of paint like this is only being marketed to women.
Why is this, I wonder. Maybe it’s because we women are so focused on appearances that we’ll care about tiny scratches and scrapes more than a man would? Or maybe it’s because Renault think we lady drivers are more likely to get scratches that need to be fixed than men are? Renault knows that we lady drivers find it difficult to focus on the road, especially when we’re busy applying lipstick in our rear-view mirrors or painting our nails on our car bonnets.
Either way, Renault are proud of their Twingo Nail Polish – they think it’s “an innovation that seeks to embellish and facilitate the lives of lady drivers and is easy to carry in any handbag, unless – of course – their manfriends take a shine to it!” Tee-hee, Renault, you’re such a joker. Men don’t wear nail polish – their minds are too full of things like politics, maths and the precise arrangement of their testicles to worry about silly things like how they look. That’s the domain of us lady drivers. Your advert and press release show that you know that very well.
The important thing is Twingo Nail Polish is here to make us look fabulous and make our lives easier, so we have more time to focus on our families, our outfits and screaming silently into a pillow every night. Now, I’m off to pick what colour car I want and what colour I’m going to need to paint my nails for the next decade to match it! Hurrah for Renault!