Typerwriter with "As a male feminist" written on it
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Too busy being a perv to say you’re sorry? This apology generator is just what you need

The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator blends together some of the most noteworthy “apologies” of the men recently accused of sexual misconduct to create your very own

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By Lily Peschardt on

Celebrity Perv Apology Generator is funny in the way that someone dying at a funeral is funny or watching someone fall over at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show is funny. There’s humour to be found in the irony, the on-the-nose-ness, the shittiness of a situation.

The site randomly generates a mish-mash of some of the most noteworthy celebrity apologies to create the sort of garbled, nonsense, PR-addled apologies we have become used to seeing in the last few months.

Ostensibly, there is nothing funny about the fact that a group of grown men who have behaved appallingly to the women in their lives are completely unable and unwilling to proffer up an apology. But, if you frame it just right, if you poke fun in just the right places, there are some laughs to be had. And that’s exactly what the Celebrity Perv Apology Generator does.

It makes fun of the men who have been accused of these heinous acts, these men – some of whom are heralded as 'creative geniuses' – who can’t think of a single original or authentic thing to say

It makes fun of the men who have been accused of these heinous acts, these men – some of whom are heralded as “creative geniuses” – who can’t think of a single original or authentic thing to say. Instead, they lean on clichés and empty tropes. Eager to frame their actions within the context of a man who has, at least once, had a perfectly pleasant interaction with a woman, they use phrases like, “As the father of daughters…” or “As a male feminist…”. They dismiss their actions as “locker-room talk” or a nasty side-effect of the fact they “grew up in a different era”. They never, ever actually say sorry. Because to say, “I’m sorry,” would be to admit guilt and they still have careers to recuperate and award ceremonies to host.

While all the automatically generated apologies are brilliant, this one might be the best:

“As a male feminist, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will get the help I so desperately need because this isn’t actually my fault, I have a problem so I’m not responsible for my actions.”

As Vox pointed out, while the site is undeniably hilarious, it is also making an important point about what it truly means to apologise. Last week, my colleague Sali Hughes wrote about the rise of the nonpology. Increasingly, apologies have become a way of dodging blame, rather than actually taking the time to publicly say, “I’m sorry.” If you’re one of the seemingly countless men out there who have been treating women like trash, the message here is clear: rather than just thinking about the best way to minimise the damage your own heinous actions will have on your career, take some time to think about the people you hurt, the pain they’ve suffered, the secrets they’ve kept – and then apologise. Properly.

@LilyPesch

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