There have been numerous times during the last year when I’ve wondered what Ivana Trump is up to. Y’know, when I haven’t been worrying that a giant hellmouth is going to open up in Washington and consume the entire continent, I have been thinking, “Where’s Ivana?” Where is the woman who swanned in at the end of The First Wives Club with a self-satisfied “Don’t get mad – get everything”? Where is the walking moodboard for 1980s glamour and what is she planning?
It turns out she’s been working away on a book, Raising Trump, a memoir detailing her time married to Trump and her tenure giving birth to micro-Trumps. The book is out today and Ivana has already managed to dominate the news cycle, because Ivana has inferred that she – as Trump’s first wife – is the true First Lady of the White House. She has also said that she has a “direct line” to the White House, but coyly refuses to use it, because she doesn’t want to make Melania jealous. Melania’s spokesperson hit back at Ivana, saying her comment had “clearly no substance” and was “unfortunately only attention-seeking and self-serving noise”.
Well, duh. It’s her publication day and she’s Ivana Trump, the woman whose delusions of grandeur and willingness to lean into her role as a villain match only that of her toad ex-husband. Ivana Trump, who was given $25m in her divorce from Donald and, three years later, appeared in a Pizza Hut commercial with him where they ATE THE CRUST OF THE PIZZA FIRST.
Of course, everything she says is going to be attention-seeking and self-serving. She once compared herself to Princess Diana, for crying out loud. Ivana’s comments about having a direct line to the White House are, apparently, just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to stuff she’s willing to say to sell her book.
"I think for her to be in Washington must be terrible. It's better her than me. I would hate Washington,” she says as though Ivana herself has appointed Melania as her emissary at the White House, because she simply has too much going on right now.
I sort of love imagining Melania having a ‘I’m sorry, she said what? But that doesn’t even make any sense!’ meeting with her advisors
“Would I straighten up the White House in 14 days? Absolutely,” says Ivana, modestly. “Can I give the speech for 45 minutes without [a] teleprompter? Absolutely. Can I read a contract? Can I negotiate? Can I entertain? Absolutely. But I would not really like to be there. I like my freedom."
It’s kind of fascinating to imagine what the reaction to Ivana in the White House might be. I sort of love imagining Melania having a “I’m sorry, she said what? But that doesn’t even make any sense!” meeting with her advisers. I also sort of love the idea of Donald having marital problems because his ex-wife keeps telling interviewers that he offered her the job of ambassador to the Czech Republic.
(That’s not an overstatement, either – she literally told an interviewer that she turned down the Czech ambassador role because it would interfere with her holidays in St Tropez.)
It makes me wonder what the world would be like if Donald Trump were still married to his spiritual equal – the narcissistic, money-obsessed, press-obsessed, 1980s-obsessed Ivana. But, more than anything, I am absolutely stunned that we live in a world where two women are fighting to be closer to Donald Trump.
I mean, can you imagine? Can you imagine having once been married to the Covfefe guy, and having escaped that marriage with a cool $25m, publicly fighting to be associated with him even more? Can you imagine willingly engaging yourself in a presidential catfight over who gets to be the First Lady, when the First Man is Donald Trump?
Take the money and run, guys. Get together and start a terrible reality show, if you have to. Leave this life and this sinkhole of greed and red ties behind you.