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LOVE & SEX

Letters I would have written to my friends’ partners if only I’d had the balls

A blog of a woman attacking her friend’s ex-husband has made Caroline O’Donoghue come up with some letters of her own

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By Caroline O'Donoghue on

Sometimes, I find it deeply disappointing that most of us don’t live in a Destiny’s Child music video. We don’t wear matching camo crop tops, we don’t dance perfectly and, when our best mate is being treated badly by her partner, we tend to exact our revenge by blocking him on Facebook and referring to him continually as “That Asshole”. We are terrified of creating awkward encounters for ourselves and we excuse ourselves from getting “too involved” in the situation. And, for the most part, that’s a pretty wise position to take – your friend is an adult, after all, and can take care of herself. 

One woman, however, decided it was time to step in. In a Scary Mommy blog entitled “A Letter To My Best Friend’s Ex-Husband Because Screw You A**hole”, editor Samantha Angoletta wrote that she wanted to “junk punch” her friend’s ex “hella hard” for hurting her friend. 

“This divorce is your fault,” Samantha writes. “You hurt my friend, you lied to my friend and you betrayed my friend. She’s handling this like the strong, resilient, compassionate badass that she is and the two of you are managing to cohabitate in relative peace until you are able to help your kids through this transition and life change…. BUT, just because she’s being a fucking pillar of dignity and strength, doesn’t mean that I’m not pissed. Oh, I’m pissed. I’m pissed, and I’m looking at you, sir.”

Oh, it gets better. 

“You can understand why I kind of want to call you up and be like, “I HOPE YOUR NEW HOUSE HAS ROACHES. SO MANY ROACHES. I HOPE IT RAINS ROACHES. But only when your kids are not there, of course. Okay, bye fucker.”

Honestly, I have no idea who this guy is or what he did to deserve a literal biblical plague upon his house, but I’m kind of in awe that Samantha Angoletta published this under her own name, on a large website, where she is an editor. This isn’t an anonymous Tumblr post floating around the internet – this is a friend saying, “Hey, you. I’m talking to YOU, motherfucker.” 

Taking Samantha’s example, here is a complete list of the letters I would have written, years ago, back when most of my friends were still dating assholes. 

Dear “All gay men fancy me” 

Have you seen the talent her housemate is bringing home? Did you MEET the guy who spent a summer as a stunt double on Game Of Thrones? I’d say you're grand, mate, to wear your towel on the walk to the shower. Wash the homophobia off while you're in there, yeah? 

Dear Couch Guy

If she invites you over for dinner, do not sit in the fucking living room while she cooks in the kitchen alone. If you’re a useless cook, that’s fine. Have a glass of wine with her, while she chops garlic. Ask her how her day was, while she stirs the risotto. It’s not hard. 

Dear Passive Aggressive Shoe Buyer

There are many things you can get a recovering anorexic for Christmas and those ass-toning trainers that Skechers put out in 2011 are not one of them. 

Dear “Of Course I Trust You – I Just Don’t Trust Him”

You do not trust her. 

Dear “It was my idea, at first, but now she loves it” 

I understand that your ex-girlfriend was polyamorous and I am happy that the two of you had a wonderful relationship that included other people. However, that is not an excuse to bully my friend into accepting an Open Relationship. Showing my friend the sexts you receive from other women is not a way to “get her used to the idea”. 

Dear "I'll come over when your period is finished"

Fuck you. 

Dear “I use personal trauma to escape responsibility” 

You can’t just accuse my friend of being slutty and then walk out because your parents’ divorce made you “afraid of confrontation”. 

Dear Sneezes Into Towel

Stop sneezing into her towels. 

@Czaroline

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