Geeky Sex Toys has released a range of Star Wars themed sex toys. They come (ha!) just in time for you to traumatise your partner by popping a C-3PO butt plug in their Christmas stocking and making eyes at them like you’re a Sarlacc and they're a particularly digestible prisoner. Or, at least, how a Sarlacc would make eyes if a Sarlacc actually had eyes… you know what, forget it, you get the point. There are Star Wars sex toys and they are fricking weird.
For more vanilla Star Wars fans there are lightsaber (oh, sorry, light sword – worried about Disney’s copyright lawyers, are we?) dildos in red, green and blue. That glow in the dark, because of course they do. I’m sure we can all agree that the two sexiest things on this planet are a) pretending that the deadliest weapons in the galaxy are hanging round your most vulnerable areas and b) the sight of a giant glowing green dildo nuzzling around your Mos Eisley cantina.
But if you’re up for a bit of adventure, Geeky Sex Toys is here for you. If you’ve ever listened to R2-D2 and thought “That beepy, somehow sarcastic little robot can get it”, there’s the R2-V2 (exactly what you’d think – a vibrator styled like R2-D2). For those who prefer men who can’t use grammar properly but somehow make it work, there’s the Dildoda. It’s five inches long – and considering Yoda is only two feet tall, that’s actually rather impressive. That’s, like, a fifth of his entire height. Made up by penis. Gosh. How does the centre of gravity changing so much not throw him off-balance when he’s doing all those impressive flips? That is all I am going to be able to think about next time I watch him fighting.
As hilariously weird as these products are, I’m genuinely glad they exist. Sex should be fun, and if a Darth Vader dildo doesn’t make you laugh then I don’t know what will
They’re also selling a Dark Side six-piece bondage kit which includes a “laser sword flogger” and a moon.
Oh, wait. That’s no moon. It’s actually a ball gag.
And for the gentleman in your life, why not get a silicon replica of Han Solo frozen in carbonite with internal ribbing that they can put their penis in and have a jolly good time with? Gives a whole new meaning to “Han shot first”, dunnit? It may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.
If you’re not into Star Wars, don’t worry, Geeky Sex Toys has still got you covered. Rick and Morty fans can buy a Pickle Dick, Marvel fans can get it on with an eight-inch replica of Groot’s woody (sorry, sorry), and Pokémon fans can even buy a butt plug with Pikachu’s forked tail sticking out of the back. Pika Pik-AHHH!
As hilariously weird as these products are, I’m genuinely glad they exist. Sex should be fun, and if a Darth Vader dildo doesn’t make you laugh then I don’t know what will. And you know, I think they may be on to something. I feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in pleasure and were suddenly vibrating…