On the internet, everyone can call you out on your lies. This is what Lil Bow Wow – yes, we are apparently still talking about Lil Bow Wow in 2017 – found out to his detriment on Tuesday when he posted a photo of a private jet on Instagram with the caption “Travel day. NYC press run for Growing Up Hip Hop. Lets gooo” only for someone on a public flight to New York to spot him a few seats away and share the photo on Snapchat.
My heart bleeds for the man. I have seen this story on multiple websites and all across social media this morning. Despite the fact that technically he didn’t lie and even if he had it’s not something that’d really hurt anyone, people are delighting in his embarrassment. Why is that?
Honestly, I think it comes from the fact that this could have been any of us. Sure, we don’t lie about private jets, but everyone fibs on social media. Everyone. We lie when we post photos of our adorable pets/babies but not the endless stinky poos we have to clean up, we lie when we do heart-eye emojis about the delicious burgers we’re eating and don’t mention that we’re sitting in the back of the restaurant next to the toilets, we lie when we post a photo of our stylish outfit but don’t talk about how those jeans have a denim clamp on your labia. We could so easily be publicly called out on any of these little white lies by anyone around us, and I think the delighted horror we feel about Bow Wow’s humiliation comes from that.
In solidarity with Bow Wow, I decided to go through some of my latest Instagram posts and reveal the truth behind the little white lies I’ve told. I’m sure he’ll be very reassured by my selfless actions. And before you judge me too harshly, remember: you do exactly the same thing, and there’s only one frenemy with an iPhone between you and the truth coming out.
The photo: The close-up of the print of a skirt I bought at a local vintage fair on the weekend.
The white lie: My fashion sense is so quirky and stylish, and my life is so whimsical and fun.
The truth: I had to try the skirt on behind a thin curtain on a stage in a church hall full of people. I tripped over as I was taking my jeans off, my knickers came down with my jeans, and I flashed my big white bum to at least five people on a nearby stall. The skirt doesn’t do up all the way, but I bought it anyway because I was sulking about not being able to buy anything at the fair.
The photo: A beautiful bouquet of flowers bought for me by my friend to celebrate my finishing therapy.
The white lie: I have a life filled with beautiful flowers, I have excellent friends, and I have finished therapy, so my brain is now 100% sorted.
The truth: My cat keeps eating the flowers. She knocked them off the shelf within 30 minutes of me taking this photo, tipping a litre of flower-water onto my living room carpet. They now live in the spare bedroom behind a closed door so the cat can’t do them any more damage, so I hardly ever see them. Oh, and my brain is so un-sorted that I had a stress dream where my duvet was replaced by a giant sac full of goldfish last night.
The photo: Me in roller skates, lamenting the fact that my skating lesson had been called off that evening.
The white lie: I am so cool and interesting. Look at me in my skates! Don’t I look badass?
The truth: I cannot skate. At all. I literally put the skates on, stood up (wailing for help the entire time), shuffled into position, posed for the photos whilst leaning against the barrier, and took the skates off. Passers-by rightly made fun of me. I was secretly relieved that the lesson was called off.
The photo: A panel of four brilliant, interesting female authors.
The white lie: I am so cultured and feminist and intellectual that I spend my evenings listening to talks by and supporting other women. Girl power!
The truth: When I asked a question at the end of the evening I ended up accidentally revealing to the entire room that I have written a 70,000 word fan fiction imagining an alternate universe where Ginny Weasley and Draco Malfoy had a secret, tormented relationship.
See - that wasn’t so hard, was it? Maybe we should take inspiration from Bow Wow’s embarrassment and all start sharing the truth behind our social media lies. Maybe it’ll start a revolution! Or, y’know, maybe not. There are only so many bum-flashing stories the world can take.