Dear Viv: I find my husband irritating

On this week's podcast, Viv discusses what to do if you've had enough of your husband

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By Viv Groskop on

Dear Viv,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for your weekly podcast, which I love listening to.

I don’t know if I’m experiencing a delayed mid-life crisis or just a middle-aged malaise, but I'm so discontented with my life, my job and mainly with my husband.

He’s a good, decent man, but I find him irritating beyond measure. He’s a lovely dad (our daughter is a teenager), loves his parents, turns up for work every day, cooks, mows the lawn... I just don’t get on with him, I find him extremely boring and don’t fancy him in the slightest (although objectively, he is quite attractive). When I’m not working, I spend my days imagining how my life would have been if I’d married an ex, or how happy I could be in the future with someone else.

It doesn’t help that he invested money in a business several years ago and we lost rather a lot – a life-changing amount, actually. Sometimes I feel I hate him, sometimes I feel I can tolerate him, rarely do we connect over anything.

We have a nice house and a reasonably comfortable lifestyle, although I keep imagining how much better it would be if it hadn’t been for the business. I can’t seem to stop dwelling on the past and feel unhappy and lonely in our relationship. We don’t have mutual friends, but I have a lovely, supportive network, although I don’t feel able to confide all this to them. He doesn’t have any friends, as he’s lost touch with them.

Financially, we can’t really afford to divorce and I think that’s the only thing that’s keeping us together. In addition, I’m now 50 and feel that it’s too late to leave, as I don’t want to be on my own, but have little hope of meeting someone else.

I’ve suffered a few setbacks in work, too, recently, and am feeling rather useless, so that hasn’t helped. I have a history of depression, but have managed that really well over the last 10 years.

Do you know, I’m reading this and thinking, "Count your blessings, you sound like a self-indulgent, self-absorbed, immature old girl!"

There probably isn’t anything you can do to help, but setting it all down on paper seems to have been cathartic, so thank you.

Got a question for Viv? Email her at The Dear Viv podcast airs weekly on The Pool at 5pm on Tuesdays. All letters will be edited for length. Unfortunately Viv cannot reply to your emails personally. 

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