Waving, Not Drowning

Dear Viv: Should I get back in touch with my teen crush?

On this week's podcast, Viv discusses whether or not to get back in touch with a young love

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By Viv Groskop on

Dear Viv,

I've recently turned 40 which has put me in an introspective mood and whilst looking through some holiday photos from when I was 18, found some of my first holiday abroad with a friend in Greece. I had a boyfriend at the time who was, to put it bluntly, a total bastard... but I was young and inexperienced and totally consumed by him. He was away at the time on his own lads holiday and had tormented me about how he was not going to remain faithful faced with such temptation on holiday. I spent a miserable first week away worrying about him but then pulled myself together and enjoyed the rest of the holiday with the resolve to move on once I was home. On the last couple of nights I met a guy who was working there and we had a few nights together. I really liked him and hoped he'd contact me once we were both back in the UK.

Of course, once I was home my boyfriend re-appeared, full of remorse having obviously not managed to pull on holiday.

I was very confused and didn't admit my infidelity. A month or so later, the guy from holiday got in touch and said he'd come back early to see me - I was totally thrown by this and agreed to meet him and before I knew it he'd invited me to his house and to meet his parents. I ended up sleeping with him whilst I stayed over and he seemed very keen, it was all a bit much and I was so used to being treated badly I suppose I found his attention offputting and panicked. To my shame, I waved him goodbye the next day and never returned any of his calls... This was pre-mobile days and internet. A few weeks later, I received a lovely card with drawings he'd done and a message saying he hoped he would hear from me etc...

I was wracked with guilt as my ex was still playing the dream boyfriend, and never replied to him.

Of course it didn't last with my boyfriend but by then I had lost my confidence and couldn't bring myself to contact the guy from holiday in case I was (deservedly) rejected. I have thought about him many times since, but always felt it would be arrogant to contact him, and whilst I was single during parts of my 20's, didn't have the nerve.

I am now happily married with 2 children. For some reason I find myself re-living this period of my life and berating myself for the cowardly way I behaved. I have been treated similarly on occasion and know the pain being "ghosted" can cause and can't believe I ever behaved this way to such a nice guy.

I don't really use social media but after seeing the photos, looked him up and can see he too is married with 2 children. He looks happy and I am under no illusion about the fact he has probably not thought about me for years - 22 in fact.

I, however, feel that I would like to apologise, albeit very belatedly for how I treated him but am worried that this is a bad idea. I don't want to re-connect in any way other than to say sorry but worry that this will come across as arrogant and also like I am a real loser! Perhaps it is having children that has made me feel this way... as I hate the thought of them being treated so carelessly by someone else.

Seeing the card and photos has weirdly unhinged something in me and I can't stop thinking about it. Incidentally, I am in no way attracted to him anymore and can see that we would never have been compatible but still feel that I would like to say sorry. Am I mad to consider it?

Hear Viv's answer to this question on her podcast, Waving, Not Drowning, above.

Got a question for Viv? Email her at DearViv@thepoolltd.com. The Dear Viv podcast airs fortnightly on The Pool at 5pm on Tuesdays. All letters will be edited for length. Unfortunately, Viv cannot reply to your emails personally. 

You can subscribe to The Pool's podcasts on iTunes

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