Hey ladies! It's that time of the decade again: cleavage has officially been declared "over". As Vogue has noted in their December edition, “The tits will not be out for the lads. Or for anyone else, for that matter."
You heard the magazine. It's time to put the girls away: a stressful task, especially with so much to do now that Christmas is coming up. But relax, I'm here to help. As a woman who has been every cup size from A to GG, I am an expert at packing away my boobs if and when the season calls, and as such, have expert tips that I am willing to pass on to you.
Make sure your breasts are freshly laundered before you put them away
Believe me, you'll thank me when, in 15 months, Kendall Jenner goes on the pill for the first time and suddenly has a pair of double Ds that are quickly deemed fashionable. You may have only a quick minute to pull your knorks out of storage when this happens, and the LAST thing you want is musty-smelling boobs.
Get the right boxes
I know I'm going to sound like a total fuddy-duddy, but I can't tell you how important proper storage is when you're packing away your breasts. Plastic boxes rather than wood or cardboard are preferable: you can never tell when a burst pipe will flood your bedroom and cause irreversible water damage to your boobs. Imagine if tits season rolls around again and all you have is a pair of pruney old bangers to show for it? Mortifying.
Invest in the right tissue paper
If you have delicate or dry-clean only cleavage, invest in some acid-free tissue paper. It may sound anal, but wrapping your tits in acid-free paper helps prevent creasing and provides more protection. You can get 480 sheets off of Amazon for under 20 quid, which may sound like an over-investment, but is actually a very sensible expense when you consider how often your boobs will come in and out of fashion over the course of your lifetime.
Embrace vacuum packing
Truth time: vacuum packing is a great space saver PLUS it's weirdly addictive! It's so satisfying to place your tits in a vacuum sealed bag and watch them shrink before your very eyes. Before long, you'll be putting your legs in vacuum-sealed bags (handy for when your legs are too long for miniskirt season!) not to mention your arse (sure, your big arse is trendy now, but how long can that realistically last?).
There you have it, girls! A complete guide to packing away your tits for the season, because fashion is about what part of your anatomy is appropriate at a randomly allocated point in time, and not about who you actually are.