Another day, another week, another weekend to look forward to. And a bank holiday, too! Hurray and hurrah, callooh callay, wizzo!
Except, no, your face is disgusting and you need to sort that out first.
According to the press release sitting in my inbox, modern life is giving us a variety of faces. There is Netflix Face, which is making your face saggier than a wet sleeping bag. “There seems to be emerging evidence that light from cell phones and computer screens, which is referred to as high-energy visible light, can in fact penetrate into the deeper levels of the skin," says Dr Justine Hextall, the dermatologist working for The Harley Medical Group, who are, coincidentally, selling a £95 "rejuvenation" service.
"This results in free-radical damage that is upregulating an enzyme MMP-1. This enzyme breaks down skin collagen and elastin, the structures that keep the skin firm and youthful, leading to the development of fine lines and wrinkles, not to mention sagging skin."
There is also "Cappuccino Face", "Commuter Face" and "Flying Face". I got bored reading about them but, rest assured, there is an expensive cure for each one.
Look, I'll level with you. I believe in free-market capitalism as much as everyone else. I like buying things as much as the next guy. Buying things is fun and sometimes, when I've had a shit day, buying an almost-useless lip balm is what I need to get a quick retail high. I wholly believe in the skincare benefits of micellar water over Poundland make-up wipes.
Wouldn't it be easier to just replace all the mirrored surfaces in the world with a picture of a melting candle and be done with the many scientific studies about why my face is crap?
But come on… Netflix Face? Cappuccino Face? Are we just sticking our hands into the "things people in 2016 enjoy" word pile and attaching it to the word "face"? If so, I eagerly await "Googling Your Ex's New Girlfriend Face", "Perpetually On The Hunt For The Perfect AirBnB Face" and "Sneakily Taking A Picture Of A Hot Stranger On The Train Face". Wouldn't it be easier to just replace all the mirrored surfaces in the world with a picture of a melting candle and be done with the many scientific studies about why my face is crap?
I once read a study from the 1950s that predicted that the workforce would become so efficient and industrialised in the future that we'd only have to work a four-day week. Do you know why that hasn't happened yet? It's because we cannot stop creating imaginary problems to not-cure and, every time we do, some poor soul has to write a press release about it and, when they do, I have to look at it and tell you about it.
Think about that as you drift into your bank-holiday weekend. Your four-day week could be every week if people just stopped inventing skincare problems for you.