I don’t know much about Justin Trudeau. Or, rather: I know about as much as you probably do. I know he’s the Canadian prime minister, has generally liberal policies, and, oh yeah, is extraordinarily charismatic and handsome.
I’m not saying that these two last facts are the most interesting or important things about Justin Trudeau, but as someone who isn’t Canadian, they are quite interesting and important to me.
So, we know Justin Trudeau is pretty hot for a prime minister. But being the hottest prime minister in the world is like being the smartest person at a Breitbart staff meeting. It’s impressive, sure, but look at what you’re up against. However, new evidence (cough, some tweets I saw, cough) has revealed that Trudeau is not only an extraordinarily hot politician, he was an extraordinarily hot young adult.
Here are some wild assumptions I have about Justin Trudeau, based on these images.
As a teenager, Justin Trudeau was placed in Toronto’s most dangerous gang, the Pain Au Raisins. While the police initially intended for Justin to be an informant, he ended up being a very stabilising, positive influence on the Pain Au Raisins. He encouraged them to take up needlework, and one of the most violent members went on to be the successful actor, Michael Cera.
Look, it’s young Justin Trudeau! Based on this photo alone, I can tell that this is Justin in the months after his first significant break-up (I’m presuming with his college girlfriend, and I presume her name is Wendy) and he is taking some time out to travel South East Asia, buy some shell necklaces, and have unprotected sex with women who he doesn’t even know the last names of. While travelling, Justin makes a point of frequenting locally-owned businesses, along with a special effort to learn “Hello!”, “Thank you!” and “Can you tell me more about how the class system in your country mimics the success and failures of the American middle class? It’s for a paper I’m writing” in every language.
When Justin gets back from travelling, he insists that he has “learned a lot” about “stuff”. Him and Wendy have lunch in Toronto, and they agree to stay friends. Wendy will spend the rest of her life furious about Justin’s impeccable moral character, because it makes it that much more difficult to talk shit about him.
Look, it’s Justin Trudeau, on the set of his feature film, Canadian Superman! Justin was approached while modelling for Canadian Topshop because of his height, easygoing nature and ability to look both like a bumbling journalist and a un-killable demigod at the exact same time.
Despite his magnetic performance as both Clark Kent and Superman, the film flopped. Research shows that the Canadian people didn’t quite grasp the concept of the character, considering a huge segment of the population are already liberal-minded intellectuals with a forceful will to do good deeds for no ostensible reward. Justin said he still had a “great time” making the film, and made a lot of “friends for life”.
After Canadian Superman 2: A Panic In Montreal failed to get greenlit by any of the major studios, Trudeau decided to found a tech start-up. To this day, he does not know what his tech start-up actually did, but before he sold it for £4.5 million Canadian dollars he ensured that the contract stipulated that a third of the profits go to WaterAid. The new owners agreed, in exchange for permission to brush Justin’s hair at yearly intervals.