Let’s talk about Outlaw King. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a Netflix-financed film about Robert the Bruce, King of Scots, and his fight against the English occupation of Scotland. It’s gritty and bloody and beautifully shot, it’s being released in theatres so that it can be entered for an Oscar, and it gives you a decent look at Chris Pine’s dick.
The Pine peen has been the subject of much discussion by reviewers and fans alike. There are apparently two nude scenes in Outlaw King (a sex scene and a scene where he bathes in a lake) that give us both a good look at Pine’s bum and, according to Variety, “something like 15 seconds of full-frontal Chris Pine scenery”. Out of interest, did you know that the Chris Pine fans call themselves the Pine-Nuts? This movie is going to give that name a whole new meaning.
Pine himself is rather bemused by the scrutiny of his scrotum, the curiosity about his chopper, the fascination with his phallus. Speaking to the Hollywood Reporter, he said, “There’s so much beheading in this, and yet people want to talk about my penis. I think that says something about our society, where people can get disemboweled but it’s the man’s junk that is of interest.”
The thing is, it is kind of exciting to see a penis on screen
Later, at a Toronto Film Festival press conference, he was informed that there were now Google Alerts being set up for him and his penis. His response, this time, was slightly more terse. “There’s so much disemboweling and beheading in this film, it nearly makes your mind spin. That, somehow, to a human modern audience is not nearly as interesting or revelatory or exclamatory as someone showing A) a sex scene, or B) their penis. I think we as human beings should probably just take a minute to gestate, really meditate on that. That this kind of Western society, this puritanical society, to show people making love, to show what we all have, is somehow a Google alert. It’s a trip.”
The thing is, it is kind of exciting to see a penis on screen. While female nudity is so common that there are entire websites devoted to it, seeing a penis on screen that isn’t being played for laughs or surrounded by eight pairs of boobs to balance it out is quite rare. Graphic or disturbing violence, however, isn’t rare at all. Obviously, there are films like Saw and shows like Game Of Thrones, where people cut off their limbs and get their eyes squeezed out, but we don’t even have to go to those extremes. During the climax of the first Harry Potter film (rated PG), Harry repeatedly burns Professor Quirrell as he screams in agony. Everyone is chatting about Richard Madden’s bum and Keeley Hawes’s knickers in Bodyguard, but I’ve not seen anyone talk about the scene where her driver got a bullet in the head and she got his brains sprayed across her face. Pine is right – we accept horrifying violence as standard, but a hint of a sex scene or a naked body, and we all start clutching our pearls. Which, when you think about it, is really weird.
Violence is, I think we can all agree, bad. Certainly, if I had an axe embedded in my brain, I wouldn’t be particularly happy about it. You know what doesn’t make me sad? Consensual sex and nudity. Judging by the online response to Chris Pine’s pecker, most of the world agrees. It’d be great if our film industry caught up with our real-life expectations, so that the latter became as commonplace as the former. Until then, we’ll all just have to stay obsessed with Chris Pine’s penis, regardless.