In April, Meghan Markle gives birth to the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen, then promptly sends the tabloids into a tailspin by refusing to reveal its gender. She calls it Sparkle, and, like the good feminist that she is, ports her maiden name into the mix at a celebrity-packed, non-denominational naming ceremony. Sparkle Markle Harriet Harry Windsor becomes Britain’s Youngest Fashion Icon, her bespoke Givenchy christening gown selling out instantly.
Garment bags become the new bum bags. Yes, really. What do you mean, one is snug, hands-free and really convenient and the other is a galumphing great sack of a thing that is impossible to carry without looking like Third Stylist’s Assistant on a big-budget shoot? Gucci and Alexander Wang showed them for S/S19, and fashion people are sheep.
Worried about his public image, Donald Trump does a guest vocal on Kanye West’s new single, Two Thousand And Na-Na-Na-Na-Nineteen, a controversial song about plastic surgery that includes the lyrics, “In the olden days, the average age of the person seeking Botox was 45. Now, it’s 19.” Only people born in the 1970s and early 80s get the joke. Luckily, the Jenners are all children of the 90s, except Kris, who is not amused.
Reports surface of a fashion party in East London where not a single guest was wearing trainers. Thanks to a blanket phone ban, no visual evidence is ever produced, but people are shook.
Scientists reach a stratospheric breakthrough in cloning their second mammal – the human, Holly Willoughby
Ganni fans are delighted but also secretly pissed off when the cult Danish brand opens its first UK store, on London’s Beak Street, thus ensuring that 95% of all women in any room will be wearing Ganni midi dresses instead of the 73% that were previously in 2018.
Women fall to their knees crying in the streets – pure tears of joy – when it’s announced that Phoebe Philo will take over from Karl Lagerfeld as head of Chanel. Rumours that she will be adding an acute accent to the “e” in Chanel remain unconfirmed. Mainly because they’re not true.
Talking of accents, Hedi Slimane shocks the crowd at Paris Fashion Week in September by presenting a Celine collection made entirely from worsted and hessian, in oatmeal tones, with all the models wearing Dr Scholl sandals and polo necks. The critics are divided, but when Gigi Hadid wears a brown worsted tunic and matching snood to the VMAs, they change their minds.
Gwyneth Paltrow surprises everyone by announcing she is pregnant with her third child, her first with Brad Falchuk. She swiftly pioneers a new birthing method, Conscious Uncoupling, which involves a shaman, a midwife and Dynamo The Magician, and which she claims will allow the newborn to “levitate from the birth canal” without the need for drugs. Instructions for this patent-pending method can be downloaded from goop.com for $1,000,000,000,000.
Five years after Dolly the Sheep becomes the first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell, scientists reach a stratospheric breakthrough in cloning their second mammal – the human, Holly Willoughby. “We had to do it,” said Bob McBoffin, speaking from his lab at the Roslin Institute, which is in Scotland, a country that is comprised of more than just Skye #BrexitJokes. “The demand for Real Holly was too great: she was expected to be in London and Australia at the same time, an impossible feat even for a woman as accomplished and well-loved as her. So, we cloned her.” The dark genius of Holly The Peep, as she is soon affectionately known, is that it allows both Hollies to wear two completely different outfits at the same time, thus single – or rather, double-handedly, saving the Great British High Street. Happy New Year!