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Wishing you a very merry Goop-mas

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What does Christmas Day look like chez Gwyneth? A $2,400 animal spirit ring and a banana holder for $395 – Laura Craik has the lowdown 

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By Laura Craik on

Is life easier when you have money? Duh. Only someone who’d always had money would even ask. Certainly, Christmas is easier. For a start, you can afford it. Imagine being able to drop £60 on a six foot Nordic fir every year, simply because you like the smell of fresh pine. Imagine being able to buy everyone you love gifts you know they’ll really cherish. Imagine not even having to count the change, tally up the expenditure or give two fucks about how much Christmas costs you, because you have so much in the bank that it simply doesn’t matter. Imagine, basically, that you are Gwyneth Paltrow. Because if you’re playing Imagine, you may as well be rich, successful, gorgeous and Gwyneth. 

This week, we’re going to pretend we’re having a Goop-style Christmas, in the name of good, old-fashioned, and totally free escapism. You may ask me how I know what sort of Christmas Gwynnie will have. It’s because she’s my BFF! We go way back! Used to go to baby yoga together when she lived in Belsize Park! Kidding. It’s because her Goop website has generously shared all the details with us. Here’s Goop’s intro: “When strategising our annual personality-driven gift guides, our MO has always been of the more-is-more variety. So, in the spirit of overachieving…” oh, enough. You get the idea. Basically, there ain’t gonna be no Lily Of The Valley bath sets. 

Worry not. For who could fail to be charmed by a personalised spirit animal ring ($2,400)? Only someone who thought spirit animals were a load of guff

You’ll start the morning as we all do, by opening your stocking. No bath bombs this year, though: you’ve got an iPhone 7 case ($90) “crafted from a luxurious combination of genuine marble with gold metal accents”. According to the Goop guide, everything in your stocking is “under $100” – sorry about that. With your stocking crammed full of such swag, you’d have some justification for worrying that the gifts under the tree might be anticlimactical. Worry not. For who could fail to be charmed by a personalised spirit animal ring ($2,400)? Only someone who thought spirit animals were a load of guff. And talking of animals, let’s not forget Fido, your beloved dog. Being an actual animal, he doesn’t qualify for a spirit animal ring – that would be too meta even for Gwyneth - so instead he’ll be unwrapping a Petcube ($375) – a “high-tech, two-way audio / speak HD camera that also flings out treats on demand”. Perfect for people who basically buy dogs for Instagram reasons, then leave them in the house alone all day. 

Goop's banana holder – yours for $395 
 

Well, it’s time to cook now. Thank God for your cookbook and tablet stand ($22), which “perfectly props up everything from big, glossy cookbooks to magazines and tablets”, incase you hadn’t figured that out yet. What did we ever do without one? Only peasants use their hands. And when you’re reaching up onto that high shelf for your emergency gin, don’t forget to use your $95 step stool. “Exceptionally handy around the house”, says Goop. Unlike, say, a chair. 

It's a fridge for your clothes! No, it's Goop's Clothing Care System for $2,000
 

All that cooking and eating has made you thirsty, so thank god for your Glacce Amethyst Bottle ($84), “made with amethyst crystal to infuse water with positive energy”. Who needs a cheeky espresso? Not you. 

Why not treat your loved ones to an inflatable yurt for $8,300?
 

Now it’s time for a little You time, so you curl up with the seminal Goop Clean Beauty journal ($30) and try out your (wh) ORE HAUS STUDIOS (yup, that really is the brand’s name) brass and leather bookmark ($125) – “the most luxurious bookmark we’ve ever seen”, according to Gwynnie, as though it was a tight call. Let all those dreary other bookmarks hang their basic leather heads in shame. 

Speaking of leather, this bicycle is made of the stuff! And it's only $2,995
 

After a few hours playing backgammon and charades (this is what rich people do at 9pm on Christmas Day, right?) it’s time for bed. You take a shower with your new Shhhowercap (again: yup, that really is the brand’s name), which is $43 but “designed to look and fit like a chic turban”, so totally a bargain. Before you fall into a rich-bitch slumber, though, there’s one more thing to do. You simply have to apply your Fur Oil ($44). Your what oil? Wait. You don’t wear fur. Or do you? Tbh, I can't put it more succinctly than Goop when they say: “Yep, that fur.” Merry Goopmas, everyone.

@LauraCraik

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Photo: Getty Images 
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