In this week’s edition of “Amy despairs at terrible men on the internet”, we’re looking at Nate. Nate is a 6ft 4in white dude from America who has decided that he wants a girlfriend, but can’t be arsed to go out and look for one, so has instead built a website, where potential paramours can submit a brief description and photos of themselves. In return for letting him flick through your details like he’s browsing the Zara website for a pair of shoes to wear to a party he doesn’t really want to go to, you’ll get the chance to fly off on your dream holiday. The catch? You have to go with Nate.
To help you decide whether or not two weeks in Thailand is worth going on holiday with a man who looks like the unholy child of Slender Man and a centaur from Harry Potter, let’s have a look through his website. You might want to get some provisions – a big mug of tea and an entire packet of chocolate Digestives to cry into, for example – because Nate has written over 3,000 words about himself and what he wants in a lady. Thankfully, though, he's used all the HTML skills he learned from customising his MySpace profile to make it jazzy.
So, in Nate’s own words, this website is for you “If you're a single woman in your 20s or 30s and you’re tired of meeting the same boring guys… If you're sick of getting hit on by men with no manners… If you've had it with guys who seem nice, but turn out clingy and desperate…(Note: I’m gonna add if you really like guys who overuse ellipsis to that list because “…” appears 89 times on the page, but let’s continue) … then this might be one of the most intriguing letters you ever read. In fact, if you’re open to an exciting, fulfilling, love affair (with the right guy) then this letter might change your life.”
But wait! Straight after dangling this tantalising promise in front of us, Nate warns us that we shouldn’t get our hopes up! Apparently, “Even if you’re a healthy, beautiful woman who’s ready to feel the exhilarating chemistry of a truly deep, enriching relationship” – with Nate, remember, with Nate – then “chances are almost zero I’m the guy for you”. Why? Apparently there are three reasons. I can’t quite figure out what the reasons are supposed to be because the page is so badly laid out I can’t see what he’s trying to highlight and it’s hard to narrow my list of reasons down to just three, but I know for definite that the first reason is that he’s a recovering workaholic.
Yes, ladies, Nate has an addiction. An addiction to success. He gets up at 7am to spend an hour exercising, meditating and washing – sounds like plain “getting ready” to me, but what do I know? – and then goes to his office (which, he admits, is the desk in the corner of his flat) to work on his business, which is… erm, something to do with nutritional supplements. He gives an incredibly detailed description of his job that gives you precisely no idea of what he actually does, but does manage to sneak in a dig at federal government entities, the admission that parts of his job are easy because he just gets people drunk and a GIF of characters from Man Men wearing cartoon sombreros and eating a huge sandwich. Form an orderly queue, ladies!
But there are benefits to dating Nate. He goes into great detail about how he doesn’t have any social life, so you won’t have to go to any parties, boring or otherwise, with his friends because he doesn’t have any! He doesn’t watch any TV or have any interest in sports, so no sitting through TV you don’t like. And just look at the view of downtown Denver he has from his window, a view he apparently moved to his current place for.
There’s so much more I could tell you about Nate – his career history, which includes going bankrupt and spending three years sign waving in a stupid costume, how he got through dark times by imagining he was already with the woman he was in a relationship with and how he makes a point of saying, “I don’t pretend I’m remotely normal,” even though he’s as bland as bread sandwich – but let’s look at what he’s looking for. He wants a woman to fix him, a “special woman” who “just might be able to tempt me out of the office once in a while”. He needs someone who doesn’t party, who is spiritual and who, somewhat crucially, believes in capitalism.
And, overall, he wants someone who is thin. He keeps talking about wanting a “healthy” woman, but in that slimy way where “healthy” is really a euphemism for “not fat”. When talking about not wanting a woman who drinks and does drugs, he slips in a comment about how he doesn’t want someone who eats too much. He doesn’t want a woman who doesn’t like exercise and he needs a woman with “a slender, healthy body, a reasonably slim waist, and a very pretty face”.
What do you get in return? Well, Nate says that “I’m the sort of lover who is loyal to the woman I cherish, and wants her to blossom, to help her grow, and makes her feel good”. So if you’re a skinny, capitalistic-gym-bunny who doesn’t mind being described using words and phrases you’d usually find in a pamphlet from middle school about what to expect during puberty, maybe email firstname.lastname@example.org and see if you have a connection! Or at least check out the website and use the signature Nate has handily added at the bottom to forge some cheques or something. Might as well get something out of this shite, right?