I’ve always been amazed that people sign up to go on blind dates which are then put in magazines or online. I’d be nervous enough about choosing the right outfit and making sure the person sitting across from me isn’t a murderer, let alone also having to wonder if they’re going to say that the best thing about me is my “quirky sense of style” in a national newspaper. But then again, people do it. Alyssa, who seems utterly lovely and completely normal, did it with The Undateables in Time Out New York. I imagine she shared my worries but brushed them aside, signing up with gay abandon and thinking “It’ll be fine!”
Reader, it was not fine. It was a million shades of not fine. It was so colossally un-fine that Twitter has been laughing about it for the past 24 hours, and I am writing about it because it’s the only way I can process the horror that is the man she was paired up with.
Everyone, meet Billy. Apparently, Billy is single because “He has a busy schedule, and it takes more than just a beautiful woman to turn his head.” I wondered if perhaps Billy’s neck and spine are made out of reinforced adamantium and there aren’t many women out there with the arm strength to help him twist his neck to look out of the window occasionally, but no, that’s not the case. It’s actually quite the opposite; judging by his behaviour on this date, he’s rather spineless.
Let’s begin. Apparently as soon as Alyssa, walked in the room, he “knew she wasn’t the girl for me” as “she didn’t have the goods”. But lo, I hear you cry, wasn’t he literally just saying that he wants more than just a beautiful woman? Yes, yes he was. But Billy, as you’ll later find out, is a dirty liar, and that was just the first of many lies he tells in the two hours of this date.
What a bloody hero he is, throwing precious scraps of his time on a woman he doesn’t even want to bang before trashing her in a magazine for notoriety
Yes, two hours. Billy is very keen to impress on us that this date lasted two whole hours so you can truly understand how noble he is, wasting his life on a woman he doesn’t even want to put his penis in. Because he’s a “gentleman” he “had to sit there for two hours” – had to, guys, just had to – but he felt like he’d taken “two hours of my time and kind of just burned it”. What a bloody hero he is, throwing away precious scraps of his time on a woman he doesn’t even want to bang before trashing her in a magazine for notoriety. So great of him. So so so so great.
We haven’t even gotten to the steak bit. Apparently, Alyssa ordered her steak well done. In Billy’s words, “The waiter just looked at me, and I looked at the waiter. I was like, ‘Live your life, but this is not Outback Steakhouse, girl.’” Yeah, Alyssa! How dare you order a steak in the way you like it, especially in the presence of this man who is taking two whole hours out of his life to spend time with you. Get your life together, jeeze. In all seriousness, I know it’s “better” to have your steak as rare as you can take it, but if you’re picking at someone’s taste like this on a first date then you’re as bad as those people who sneer at Starbucks fans because it’s “not being real coffee”, don’t @ me.
Afterwards the two got dessert, and Billy turns the doucheometer up to 11. “I was trying to be nice and end the date” – nice, Billy? I’d hate to see how you talk about people you don’t like – “but the waiter was like, ‘Do you want some ice cream?’ and she was like, ‘Yay! Ice cream!’ So that was another 20 minutes.” TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES. Bloody hell. I really don’t know how Billy coped, eating dessert with Alyssa for 20 minutes when he could have been out punching kittens or playing with his Apple Watch on the train home and pretending he’s a spy. Alyssa, meanwhile, gives a charming account of how they were both happy that the restaurant gave them a macaron with their ice-cream, a habit I want every UK restaurant to adopt immediately, please.
Alyssa deserves better. We all deserve better
In fact, all of Alyssa’s answers have been nice. Not complimentary, but tactful, e.g. “He did a lot of the talking.” (Oh, Alyssa, I bet he did). I did wonder why her answers were so kind and his so terrible, but her friend cleared the matter up on Twitter: Billy got in touch with Alyssa and checked that they’d both be “nice” in their interviews. His mean answers were a total surprise, along with the fact that he lives on the Upper East Side and that his acting career consists of mainly being a background actor, both of which she found out after the date and which he’d lied about whilst on the date. See? Spineless liar. Alyssa deserves better. We all deserve better.
Most of my friends have dated a Billy. They come in all shapes and sizes, all genders, all ages, and they are poison to the dating pool. Dating is supposed to be fun and occasionally introduce you to the love of your life, not something which makes you worry about how you order your steak or that the person opposite you is only spending time with you because they “have to”. Be less Billy everyone, please, and make the world a better place.