Tara Reid in American Pie
Tara Reid in American Pie

LOVE & SEX

The importance of equal orgasming

It’s been a week of high-profile orgasm-denying, but being a good and fair orgasm-giver is a non-negotiable for Kate Leaver

Added on

By Kate Leaver on

A man between a woman’s legs can be a beautiful thing. A gesture of love, lust, intimacy, patience, pleasure, romance. A minute or 20 of bliss. A very, very good two-person party trick. 

But not for William Lloyd, cunnilingus denier. This week, Lloyd wrote an article called Why I don’t go down on girls for The Tab. His story – allegedly he tried oral sex once with an ex-girlfriend and now refuses to travel south of the hipbone – has not, ah, gone down well. He quickly became a villain on Twitter as men and women called him out for sexual misogyny. 

And then his ex-girlfriend replied. Rhianna Kemi published An open letter to you, from all dissatisfied women on The Huffington Post on Wednesday and it is the perfect comeback. She corrects a few details in Lloyd’s story, then explains that making a woman lose herself is harder than porn makes it seem: "It takes time and practice on your part. It will be frustrating. We’re all about the quick wins in the generation, but you’ve got to take it slow. You’ve got to talk about it and learn from each other. You’ve got to warm her right up, before heading downstairs." 

Now, to me, this is more than a public service announcement for vulva-shy lovers. First, it’s an apt little tutorial on how to respect the person you love and/or shag. Every psychotherapist and happily married pensioner in the world would endorse "taking it slow, talking about it and learning from each other". It’s not just how you make a woman come; it’s how you make a relationship work. 

But also, Rhianna Kemi’s revenge manifesto on oral sex is part of a much bigger conversation we need to have about the female orgasm. Because, while women still fake orgasms to save a man’s feelings, can’t find their own clitorises or don’t know how to be honest about desire, female pleasure is a feminist issue. 

The most common scenario we see in porn, Hollywood movies and even sex-ed is penetrative heterosexual sex that concludes with a male groan, roll and snore. Making a woman come is more than a physical act; it’s a gesture of respect for her and her body. To make a woman truly lose herself is to know her anatomy, but also her mind. It’s just how arousal works for us. Having a man say to you, "I want to learn what makes you feel good", or "I can’t wait to go down on you", or "Tell me what really, deeply turns you on" is really hot and really important. 

I look at the way someone treats my body as an indicator of how they’ll treat my heart. That’s why I couldn’t trust a guy who ‘doesn’t go down on girls’

If you’re in a serious love relationship with someone who doesn’t love to make you come, do they really know you? Do they deserve to? 

It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Eighteen months ago, after a significant break-up, my friend Jamila set me a challenge. "Pick your five non-negotiables for the person you want to spend your life with," she said. "Qualities you just can’t budge on when it comes to a partner. Take your time; think it through." I’m a pragmatic romantic, so I thought about it deeply and came back with these:

  • Must love dogs.
  • Wants to be a father.
  • Cannot be religious.
  • Believes in the right to seek asylum, climate change and reproductive rights. 
  • An orgasm egalitarian. 

Most of these are transparent: I want someone kind, empathetic, respectful and smart, with the same moral values as me. Caring about dogs is a basic sign of good character. Being a mama is a really important part of my future and I need someone who wants to be a dad just as much. Believing in God is so utterly unimaginable to me that I simply couldn’t be with someone who does. I couldn’t tolerate someone who disagreed with me on these three particular issues. 

But the orgasm egalitarianism thing? That’s about respect and joy. 

I look at the way someone treats my body as an indicator of how they’ll treat my heart. That’s why I couldn’t trust a guy who “doesn’t go down on girls”. Or someone who thinks his orgasm is mandatory, but mine is optional. Hot, smart, honest sex is a pre-requisite for being the love of my life. That’s non-negotiable. 

I’ll go get my kind, atheist, sexy, progressive dog person. That’s what I want. I think you should work out what you want. And, whether you’re in a relationship or not, make orgasms a priority. If you need convincing, why don’t you try it for a while and get back to me if it doesn’t suit you? 

@kateileaver

Tara Reid in American Pie
Tagged in:
Love
Sex

Tap below to add
the-pool.com to your homescreen

Close