Dear Viv: I’m in a relationship but had a raunchy dream about a colleague

On this week's podcast, Viv discusses what to do if you're in a happy relationship but find yourself fantasising about someone else

Added on

By Viv Groskop on

Dear Viv,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years. He is a kind, considerate and fiercely clever person, and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. However, I’m having feelings that are difficult to wrestle with and they absolutely stem from one cause: he was and is my first-ever boyfriend, and we have been in our relationship since we were both 18.

In recent years, as my friends’ boyfriends have come and gone and come again, I’ve been feeling... well, left out. Seeing them going sappy over new beaus; living vicariously through stories of the rush of new encounters and the fully charged first flush of sex with new people has got me feeling a kind of mourning for that feeling that I experienced once and will never feel again. I’m aware that I’m incredibly lucky to feel so happy with my partner, and that I’ve also had the positive experience of avoiding total and utter heartbreak (not that it’s all been sunshine and roses).

Now, please don’t laugh as I write the next part, as I’m aware that it is quite ridiculous myself! I work very closely (physically) with a new member of my team... who is just gorgeous. Like, heads turn in the street gorgeous. Tall, dark, handsome and with a rugged edge gorgeous. Recently, I experienced an incredibly raunchy dream with him and myself in the starring roles, and I haven’t known what to do with myself since. I would never want to risk what I have with my partner by acting on my newfound horniness for this man – I wouldn’t dream of it and don’t particularly want to shatter my illusion, either. It’s just that it has made me feel that sense of sadness again that I never flirt with anybody, never get the chance to ‘pull’ (ugh, please excuse the term!), I just want to be wanted so badly it almost hurts. My partner definitely wants me and we have a fulfilling sex life, so I feel awful for having these feelings.

Please don’t think that we’re unhappy together, that really isn’t the case. I’m not even completely sure what I’m asking. I suppose I just want to know what you think of the situation, and if you have any advice to offer an overgrown horny teenager with a crush!

Thank you so much in advance, Viv, I know you’ll have some sage wisdom and wouldn’t dream of seeking help from anyone else!

Attention Seeker

Got a question for Viv? Email her at The Dear Viv podcast airs weekly on The Pool at 5pm on Tuesdays. All letters will be edited for length. Unfortunately Viv cannot reply to your emails personally. 

Dear Viv has moved to a new channel on Acast. Click subscribe for a weekly dose of advice from Viv.

Stay subscribed to The Pool's main podcast channel for interesting, inspiring and original conversations with women we love (and men and non-binary people)

Tagged in:
Dear Viv
Viv Groskop

Tap below to add to your homescreen

Love The Pool? Support us and sign up to get your favourite stories straight to your inbox