Dear Viv: My girlfriend has no interest in sex

On this week's podcast, Viv discusses what to do when your partner isn't interested in physical affection or intimacy

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Dear Viv,

I listen to your podcast every week, and I have a problem you might be able to help with. I'm not sure if you answer men's problems, I hope you do.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months, we started out as friends and before it got serious she told me she wasn't very affectionate and didn't have much interest in sex.

To start out with I was fine with that, I had fancied her for ages and this was the first time we had both been single so that I could ask her out, and I think I was just amazed that she was going out with me.

But as time has gone on I'm finding it hard to deal with. I do love her and I think she loves me, she is my best friend and I don't want to lose her. Generally the only time she will show any affection or have sex is when she is drunk. I find that really hard to deal with, she says it's not personal and it's just the way she is.

The father of her child treated very badly, he cheated on her a lot, and was mentally abusive, and I think this is why she is very guarded with me. I don't know what to do to get through to her. I don't know how to deal with this, I want to make this work and eventually marry her.

I've suggested counselling but she isn't interested as she just says "I know what's wrong with me, what are they going to say I don't already know". I know I can't change her, I just want to know how I can just deal with the situation, even though I miss the intimacy of a relationship. Outside of sex we have very little physical contact (kissing, hugging), as she doesn't like it.

Thank you

Got a question for Viv? Email her at The Dear Viv podcast airs weekly on The Pool at 5pm on Tuesdays. All letters will be edited for length. Unfortunately Viv cannot reply to your emails personally. 

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Viv Groskop

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