A study has revealed that there are five male body shapes. 26 per cent of UK men are an oval, like James Corden, 5 per cent are inverted triangles, like Usain Bolt, 40 per cent are rectangles, like David Beckham, 13 per cent are rhomboids, like Daniel Craig, and 14 per cent are triangles, like David Walliams.
I imagine that men across the UK are breathing a sigh of relief at this news. Finally, just like women have been doing for decades, they can put themselves into neat little boxes and base their style, relationship with their bodies and general physical identity on shapes which totally fail to take into account meaningless things like heads, limbs, or the generally squishy and changing nature of the human body. I look forward to the new show, perhaps hosted by duo Tommy and Sebastian, where we tell men to cover up their flabby arms and how they should only wear deep v-necks if they’ve got man boobs or they’ll look like they’ve got a third chin.
The study was carried out by Forza Supplements who sell weight-loss and nutritional supplements, so I’m loathe to doubt its authenticity because I can’t think of a reason that a company dependent on people wanting to change their bodies would fudge something like this, but I do think there are some shapes missing here. My husband is probably more of a Frube – straight up and down, but soft if you squeeze him (and incredibly tasty, obvs). And there’s The Kettle for men who are one solid mass but occasionally get agitated and blow a lot of hot air our of their spouts (See Donald Trump). How about The Dropped Cheesecake for men who are nothing but a pile of soggy, dairy-based mush on the floor? Or Scissors for men who have grotesquely inflated torsos, narrow hips, and skinny little legs which cut your bits off during sex if you’re not careful?
Men don’t need to be fretting about whether or not they can change their oval body to a a rhomboid or not, they need to be going out and knowing that they can be sexy as hell no matter what their body looks like
There has, quite rightly, been a backlash against all the nonsense that women are told about how they look but the answer is to change the conversation, not widen it to include men. Men don’t need to be fretting about whether or not they can change their oval body to a a rhomboid or not, they need to be going out and knowing that they can be sexy as hell no matter what their body looks like, and that even if they aren’t sexy it doesn’t matter.
So for any other brands/idiots who are thinking of doing a campaign where they separate human bodies by shape, here are two lists to help you on your way:
Here is a list of what human bodies are not shaped like:
- 2D shapes of any kind
- Body lotion bottles
- Any kind of food, actually
- Timekeeping devices
- Building materials
- Musical instruments
- Sporting equipment
- In fact, anything on this stupid list
And here’s a list of things human bodies are shaped like:
- Human bodies
Got that? Okay, good. Now can we please talk about literally anything else?