Relegated to the feet of old ladies and sensible-looking politicians just a few years ago, the lowly kitten heel has managed to fight its way back on to fashionable feet again this spring. I fancy some in classic black or maybe a pop of green to wear with my latest purchase, a pair of ankle-grazing jeans. But what about kitten heels boasting more jewels and decoration than the court of Henry Tudor? Oh, princess please, what is this – Disney?
Yup. It is kind of like being on the set of Disney, as proven by the fashion editor I saw during London Fashion Week, who stopped me in my tracks as she sauntered past wearing a pair of extremely jazzed-up Cinderella shoes. “Nothing new there,” I hear you say, “fashion editors are always in daft shoes.” But hear me out. It was the way she wore them that was different: jazzy shoes paired with scruffy jeans and a plain, oversized white shirt that may have been her husband’s. I instantly suffered what can only be described as crippling outfit envy. “How can a pair of embellished evening shoes with low-ish heels worn during the day with scruff-bag jeans look so right?!” “Oh my God,” continued the voice in my head, “she’s only gone and reinvented smasual (smart/casual).” Time seemed to stand still as I, a badly shod ugly sister, gawped at her OTT embellished shoes worn with such nonchalance – such panache!
Overly embellished OTT evening shoes are what you wear when you’re tired, over it and can’t be arsed to put on the jazz hands
Traditionally, “smasual” meant “we both know I really couldn’t be arsed to get dressed up/come out tonight. I know I look like utter shit, I’m wearing a bird’s nest instead of hair, but hey, check out my distracting glittery top. More white wine, please?” And wearing pom-poms on your feet is the spring 2017 equivalent of wearing a jazzy top, jeans and UGGs to a 90s dinner party. Boy, oh boy, smasual never looked so good.
Overly embellished OTT evening shoes are what you wear when you’re tired, over it and can’t be arsed to put on the jazz hands. Need to look on top of your game? Seriously, embellished shoes could be the answer to your outfit prayers. And it gets better. Hate kitten heels? No problem, you needn’t go anywhere near a delicate heeled shoe; I’ve done the research and can tell you the shops are laden with borderline Anne Boleyn fancy shoes – filled to the rafters with them, in fact. Tip: make sure the world can see your joyfully insane footwear – wear them with cropped trousers or jeans, or a midi-length dress. No need to wash your hair or wear make-up, obviously. Just add dark sunglasses…
Perfect for in-between weather, I really fancy these faux-fur Zara slides. The kind of shoes my dog may treat as a doggy-sex toy; my boyfriend will more likely see them as an act of (fashion) crime. But I don’t care – in fact, he’s welcome to call the fashion police. Send me to the Tower, why don’t you? I’ll go quietly. I’ll be too busy staring at my Cinderella shoes.