You may have heard by now that Warner Bros is going to remake William Golding’s classic novel Lord of the Flies with an all-female cast, but written by two men. Many on Twitter have accused the film company of “missing the point” of the novel, and Roxane Gay said the “plot of that book wouldn’t happen with all women” – a point I can’t quite get on board with having spent seven years at an all-girls school.
However, it is clear that remaking a male story with female characters (especially since those characters will be created by men) simply isn’t good enough. If you simply must recreate Lord of the Flies, Warner Bros, please leave us women out of it. Here are some other ideas you can have for free:
Lord of the Flies but with actual flies
The film still takes place on a tropical island, but focuses particularly on a rotting pineapple – the home to hundreds of flies. It’s animated, but the story is exactly the same as the novel. Musical numbers include "Hold The Conch" and "End Of Innocence".
Lord of the Flies but every character is played by Lindsay Lohan with a different accent
Channelling the success of best film ever made, Parent Trap (1998), in which child star Lindsay Lohan plays twins from opposite side of the Atlantic. Lohan has flexed her British, American and Turkish/generic Middle-Eastern accents of late, proving she has the range to play both Piggy, Ralph and the conch.
Lord of the Flies but David Cameron plays Piggy
Because who are we to pass up the opportunity to take the piss out of David Cameron and his alleged love for pigs.
Lord of the Flies but with farm animals
I would watch a remake of Animal Farm, because there are animals in it. Everyone loves animals, the internet is pretty much made of animals. There are pigs in Lord of the Flies, so we’re already halfway there. You’re welcome.
Lord of the Flies but Lord of the Rings
As far as I can tell, there’s no difference.
Lord of the Flies but with celebrities
Rather than releasing thinly-veiled threats in the form of pop songs, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift battle it out to make the best shelter, kill the fattest pig and climb the highest tree. Other characters to include Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj, Kanye and literally anyone. Yes, this is E4’s flagship reality show Shipwrecked, but on a Warner Bros budget.
Lord of the Flies but good
Maybe I’m the heathen here, but I could only get half way through Lord of the Flies before dying of boredom. Life is too short to read more stories of inadequate men.
Lord of the Flies but it’s just me on an island
Please send me away so I never have to see another gender-flipped remake ever again.